Thursday, October 16, 2014

101 Star Wars Variations 83: A Princess Diary

Lately I've been feeling depressed.  

Fighting an entire war by yourself will do that to you.  I'm worn out.  Even though I've been at this for a few years now, and by that measure have managed to actually survive that long while risking so much, it's just getting to be too much.  I don't want to belittle the efforts others have made for the cause, but there's no one taking as much of the burden as I am.  Being such a prominent figure already is a blessing and a curse.

I figured out early on that I was adopted, but there was no great secret hidden in my past, no lineage that would've been any better than the life I've had as royalty of Alderaan.  My birth parents simply couldn't raise me themselves.  I've made peace with that.

Sometimes I imagine how things could be different, and of course that's the place to start.  What if my father had been infamous?  What if he were a leading figure of the Empire, even?  Father and daughter eternally opposed.  To make it a true worst-case scenario, what if he were Darth Vader?

No one knows who's under that helmet.  People used to speculate that it was the dark Jedi Anakin Skywalker, who led the slaughter of the whole Order twenty years ago, and that he left behind twin offspring, a boy and a girl.  His remains were discovered on Mustafar eighteen months ago.  It turns out he had a genetic disorder that prevented him from having children.

But imagine if he were.  Imagine if I had a brother.  That would leave him somewhere, yet undiscovered, a potent new weapon in the fight.  That would be wonderful!  The news alone would bolster the Rebellion.

But I feel isolated in other ways, too.  I need someone to love.  I've never met someone capable of keeping up with me.  Chances are when I met this person, we'd get off to a rough start.  They'd have to be something of a rogue, maybe even a scoundrel, someone so raw they wouldn't back down from me, not because of who or even what I am.

If all three were in the picture?  I think I'd be happy.  It'd be messy and complicated and anything but normal, but...I've never known normal, have I?  They would be as normal for me as fighting a one-woman war against the Empire.

But none of that exists.  I'm here all alone.  This may be a fight that outlives me.  That's a little of why I'm feeling depressed today.  Yes, I've given myself over to a new hope.  

A fantasy.

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