Wednesday, October 1, 2014

101 Star Wars Variations 68: Luck Be a Lady

At the negotiations, Leia is quietly pulled aside by her advisers.

"We've got to consider another strategy," one of them says.

"Some way to make their side look less..." another begins.

"Pathetic," a third suggests.

"Yes, pathetic," the second agrees.

"The truth is, the Empire was embarrassed, and not only is it hard for them to get over that, but it's proving a tough sell to the general population as well," the first says.

"To put it simply: humiliating," the second says.

"Not because you're a woman or anything," the third again interjects.

"We need options," the first says.

"For instance, what if we say you weren't the one who blew up the Death Star?" the second says.  "While a prisoner.  Held captive by the Empire's two greatest assets, Tarkin and Vader.  While being interrogated."

"We were thinking perhaps a pair of accomplices at least," the first says.

"And a Wookiee," the third says.  He becomes aware that everyone is staring at him.  "I always liked Wookiees, is all."

"I don't know..." Leia says.

"We'll come up with something," the first says.  "It'll be fine.  We'll need a couple of truly unlandish, unlikely candidates, so unbelievable that it'll sound like the truth."

"Jedi," the second says.

"Rogue freighter captains!" the third says.  "I like pirates, okay?"

"Yes, yes..." the first says.  "You see?  It's all coming together now.  They rescued you.  There was a dramatic final assault.  One of these others was actually the one responsible."

"Certainly not a celebrity figure," the second says.

"Certainly not!" the third says.

"Everyone wins," the first says.

"What about me?" Leia asks.

"You will still be the representative on record for concluding the peace talks," the second says.

"Yeah, and what if you also happened to fall in love with the pirate?" the third says.  "Everyone loves a good romance!"

"I have a bad feeling about this..." Leia says.

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