Thursday, April 30, 2015

A to Z Lies: Zebrawood (The Final Lie) (The Preceding Was Another Lie)

Noun.  Wood callously and magically made out of zebra (if you'd have thought of it first, you'd have done it, too).

As in: The trip to the zoo was extremely profitable for Gary's zebrawood project.

(His giraffewood project, alas, is still only in the theoretical stages, but rest assured, koalawood and pandawood are a go!)

(Literally billions of people are shuddering in unison due to today's particular nonsense.)

(I don't blame them.)

(That's another lie.)

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

A to Z Lies: Yardage

Noun.  What historians will know our era as (i.e. the Yard Age), owing to our curious predilection for obsessively curating...yards.

As in: [Distinguished historian, whom we will call Captain Julio for no compelling reason, speaking] "We have long suspected that the yardage was determined not by humans but by their canine overlords."

(Officially, the dogs let the dogs out.  Yo.  So sayeth Captain Julio.)

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

A to Z Lies: X-ray

Noun.  Someone who used to be named Ray.

As in: He's an X-ray; as far as I'm concerned, he's no more, he has ceased to be!

Monday, April 27, 2015

A to Z Lies: Wetback

Noun.  A person having...a wet back.

(Why did you even need that one explained?)

As in: After competing, swimmers transmogrify into wetbacks.

(Before you criticize me, yes, this is also technically, officially a derogatory term.  And having an Olympic high diver who happens to be from Mexico represent today's word...Yeah.  Consider this a reclamation.)

Saturday, April 25, 2015

A to Z Lies: Verjuice

Noun.  Juice made from vers.  (Don't ask what vers are, however.)

As in: Uh, I had some verjuice.


Friday, April 24, 2015

A to Z Lies: Upland

Verb.  In the event of gravity reversing, this is what physics dictates occurs; literally, you fall upward.

As in: It's a little known fact that Superman always uplands.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

A to Z Lies: Triphammer

Noun.  A hammer you use to trip people.

As in: Tommy badly wanted a triphammer for Christmas, but his parents knew better, because they knew how poorly he played with others.

(Thor uses triphammers all the time, by the way.  They don't show this in the movies or the comics, but he totally does.)

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

A to Z Lies: Springbok

Verb.  To break a bok out of jail.

(I have no what a bok is; just go with it.)

As in: Every time you springbok, an angel dusts its wings.

(Angels wings are incredibly dusty, on account of all the angel dust Tinkerbell keeps sprinkling on them.  She just doesn't get it.)

(Perhaps Tinkerbell is a bok.)


Tuesday, April 21, 2015

A to Z Lies: Rumba

Noun.  The dance of an inebriated individual.

As in: Jack Sparrow really knows how to rumba.

Monday, April 20, 2015

A to Z Lies: Quadrille

Noun.  A drill that for some reason has four bits permanently attached.

As in: I was spending some quality time in the workshop, but everything went wrong the minute I tried using that ridiculously inconvenient quadrille (I mean, who designs these things anyway, the French; well, that would certainly explain the otherwise pointless "e" at the end, right?).

(Also, under no circumstances should you dance while holding a quadrille.  Bad things happen, folks.)

Saturday, April 18, 2015

A to Z Lies: Pyrex

Noun.  The king of pies.

As in: A full-on peanut butter pie would absolutely be the pyrex.

(Also, peanut butter: It's the best ingredient in anything.  It's also acceptable as the only ingredient.)

Friday, April 17, 2015

A to Z Lies: Ostrogoth

Proper noun.  A subset of society that has been ostracized.

As in: [Fill-in-the-blank]s have long been ostrogoths.

(Sorry.  This one's not particularly funny.)

Thursday, April 16, 2015

A to Z Lies: Nirvana

Noun.  Something that smells like teen spirit.

As in: I don't want to go anywhere near that room; it reeks of nirvana.

(Sorry.  Some of these just write themselves.)

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

A to Z: Moron

Adjective.  used to describe someone who is generally considered to be on-point.

As in: Expect to see a lot of moron politicians during the next round of elections.


(I feel compelled to further elucidate this one: "moron" in this case as in "more on."  Also, "moron.")

(Yeah, this one this still a groaner.)

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

A to Z Lies: Live

Noun.  The number five in a society that does not have the letter "f."

As in: There were live days of the week among the Knockolls.

(Also, the Knockolls are prone in general for language that seems to have no grammatical integrity.  They are frequently inbred, however, and often forum.)

Monday, April 13, 2015

A to Z Lies: Koodoo

Noun.  An expletive of the Star Wars alien species Dug.  Not to be confused with "poodoo."

As in: "You're Jedi koodoo," Sebulba said.

("Oh yeah?  You're a poopy head," Yoda replied.)

("Also," Yoda continued, "why am I even talking to you, and would it have been so difficult to use my distinctive speech pattern in forming either response?")

("Yes," Sebulba said.  And then bit the head off his snack.)

Saturday, April 11, 2015

A to Z Lies: Joule

Noun.  This is literally a misspelling of "jewel."  Yeah.

As in: My nephew references "joules" in one of the pieces of schoolwork littering his room.  (Of course it was endearing.)

Friday, April 10, 2015

A to Z Lies: Inroad

Noun.  A road within a road.

As in: Only Jack Sparrow, in full forum state, could successfully locate an inroad.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

A to Z Lies: Heptagon

Noun.  A square that is actually cool.

As in: Bill Nye is definitely heptagon.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

A to Z Lies: Goo

Proper Noun.  This is the name a little white cat will use at some point in the future.
See also: Boo.  Woo.  Amanda.

As in: Goo is one of three finalists sitting in front of the jury at the end of Survivor next season.

(She will not win.)

I'm sorry, I should apologize:


Goo is one of three finalists sitting in front of the jury at the end of Survivor next season.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

A to Z Lies: Forum

Adjective.  To have declared one's alcoholic preferences squarely in favor of rum.

As in: Jack Sparrow, forum, stumbled across the decks of his ship, a condition that naturally had nothing to do with the status of the waters on which it floated, but rather the liquid floating around in him.

(No, let's try that again.)

(Naturally, I blame James Bond.)

Jack Sparrow is known as a forum man.  (To clarify, this is most certainly not to be confused with the quality of his conversation.)

(Yeah, I'm not making this one much easier, am I?)

Owing to his forum state, Jack Sparrow believed it was appropriate to be discussing philosophy with a crab.

(Anyway, you get it.)

Monday, April 6, 2015

A to Z Lies: Enterprise

Noun.  The gift you receive for entering a contest.

As in: I was the worst one at the audition but they still gave me an enterprise.  (The only downside is that it was Simon Cowell recording his reaction for my answering service.  "That was without a doubt the worst rendition of a cat screeching I've ever heard.  And I've been to Paula's house.")

Saturday, April 4, 2015

A to Z Lies: Doleful

Adjective.  To have eaten Bob Dole.

As in: Bill Clinton won the '96 election mostly because he was doleful.

Friday, April 3, 2015

A-to-Z Lies: Cardiology

Noun.  The study of card games.

As in: James Bond specializes in cardiology (among other things.)

(Oh wait, that's a poor example.  Here's another:)

James Bond practices his cardiology skills a lot.

(That's pretty bad, too.  Here's another attempt:)

When he isn't hitting on women or shooting people or drinking martinis (shaken, not stirred) or using cool spy gadgets or whatever it is he does at parties otherwise (also, James Bond is generally a terrible party guest; seriously, you would probably hate him in real life), James Bond excels at cardiology.

(Nailed it.)

Thursday, April 2, 2015

A-to-Z Lies: Balsamic

Adjective.  Used to describe something that is comparable to balsam.

As in: That iPod is not particularly balsamic.

A-to-Z Lies: Amplitude

Verb.  To amplify tudes.

As in: I amplitude all the time.