A to Z Lies in Space - Quinten

I once had a conversation with Zuri.  I told her exactly what I thought about the Order, and why I had to resign from it.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  I could stand the reproach of Greer, of Lark, of the whole Order, but not Zuri.  I needed to know she still believed in me.  I was at a crossroads in my life.  The galaxy no longer made sense to me.  I saw the Order as decadent, as no longer serving its original purpose, of serving no purpose at all except to prop up a way of life, and that was not the Order had represented, in its glorious, exultant past, the past I believed in, the past I joined the Order to maintain.  Not what it became.  Not the soulless, custodial entity it became. 

I knew it would be difficult for her.  How difficult, I confess now, I sadly underestimated.  I did not join the side of Reeve to support him, but as a misguided protest.  I saw that only too late.  Reeve represented everything I hated, what the Order was meant to guard against, its opposite number, in many respects.  A child of the same lineage, but distorted, abhorrent. 

I did not foresee a regrettable great many things.  I did not know what Xander would do.  I tell myself this as a way to exonerate me from the further abominations that sprang from my actions.  I died, by the way, at the hands of Ulysses, but it was too small a payment, and I do not feel as if I can ever pay enough.  How could I?  In my misguided attempt to save the Order I destroyed it.  Me alone.  I carry this burden in death as if the sins of all time, across a thousand worlds, rest on my shoulders.  In a way they do.

If I could speak with Zuri again, what would I tell her?  Everything.  I would tell her everything.  I realize now that I didn't tell her anything at all.  I forced her into an impossible situation.  She alone would face the Order, and she wasn't prepared for that, anymore than the Order itself.  That's why it happened.  That's what I tell myself, anyway.

I came from a privileged few.  I learned too late just how privileged.

"But this is not the story," says Kindly.